2 Down, 1 to Go! & questions of existential angst

So today was the last day of classes... I'm officially 2/3 done with the MDiv program!!! 2 Years down, 1 to go. Thankfully, I do not have a tough exam schedule either. All I have to do between now and May 6 is finish an end of the year report and revise a rough draft of a paper I did a few weeks ago and re-submit it.

Today it dawned on me that this time next year, I'll be graduating from Notre Dame and heading out into the real world. It's a scary (oh no! what am I going to do with my life?) and consoling (yay! no more homework) thought.

All this being said, I have come to the realization that I need to just take some time to day dream with Jesus and figure out - Lord, where do you want me? Very rarely can I get myself to sit still long enough to really think about the desires of my heart, and to listen to the still, quiet voice of the Good Shepherd calling me, guiding me. Here's what I've been daydreaming / thinking about:

I realized that I have a tendency to over-analyze everything. Furthermore, I can dream up these grandiose plans of future ministry pursuits; I can picture myself as this very influential public person of faith. And I used to really be drawn to those things.

But lately, I've been thinking about the quiet, mundane things of life. What if God were calling me to spend the next several years of my life not starting a career or putting my "big time degree" (as a good friend once called it) to use but in pursuing family life, hidden away from the world?

On some levels, this is what I want. On other levels, I ask myself: am I ready for this? Being in relationship with others - particularly with a significant other - makes me realize how imperfect I really am. As I strive to evaluate the character of this other person, I cannot help but see myself under the same magnifying glass, and it is quite a humbling process! So then I wonder - do I need more time for personal growth? Am I mature enough to be pursuing a serious relationship at this point in the game?

Another question I have is -- "is this the right time?" Then I think of where I am at in life, and say, why not? By the time I graduate, I'll be 25, going on 26. When I think of graduating, and then working for a few years before settling down - there's something in me that is resistant to that. I don't want to be 28, 29, 30+ before I get married. I know lots of people wait until then, but that's not me. Thinking of that as a possibility -- even if a bit premature at this stage in the game -- seems really appealing to me. But then, how would I put this MDiv that I just earned to use? How would I be using my degree to serve the Church? Could I do both? And what would that look like, or is that even what I really want?

Sometimes I wonder if I am floating through life without a clear goal or vision. I wonder if I should have a better sense of some concrete path to which God is calling me, and whether the reason I don't is because I haven't been diligent in taking that sort of thing to prayer on a regular basis.

Tonight I went back and read through all my journals from the past three years and what I discovered is that following God's call in my life has been a messy process! I went back and looked at the time I was struggling to decide whether I should go into the MDiv or not, and found that I was so unsure then. In retrospect, I'm so glad I did; I'm sure it was the right decision. And looking back on the various "discernment crises" I have gone through in my spiritual life (trying to decide whether I'm called to religious life, consecrated virginity, or married life), I realize that at various times I have thought I was called to one or another- but that consistently throughout there was always a restlessness with regard to both religious life (even though I strongly desired this at times!) and consecrated life. Now I am at a place of great peace with the thought of married life, and I'm 99.9% confident that that's where God is calling me. The saying is true: hindsight is 20/20.

So to think that I should have a good, clear picture of where I am headed in the future, seems to be ridiculous. God rarely makes it clear. To do so would take away from us the opportunity for us to TRUST.

For now, I guess that's all I can do!