So I'm sorry that I have been terrible at blogging lately. I'll try to improve in the coming weeks and months.
I know that he loves me. I know that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with circumstances that will be over in a few weeks. That being said, it's hard to fight the demons of anxiety, loneliness, fear, hurt, and irritability that sometimes threaten to overwhelm me. It's hard to consistently resist the urge to call and leave one more voicemail, or text him one last time to see if I'll get a response. I don't want to push him away by being too needy, but sometimes I just need to hear his voice. Internally I can easily become resentful - thinking to myself, "why doesn't he just take five seconds to shoot me back one quick response to show me he cares and reassure me that this lapse is temporary?" These kinds of thoughts only add fuel to the fire of anxiety that threatens to engulf my inner world.
It's times like these I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that "this too shall pass." I have to remind myself that although this man is not always the best at returning phone calls - that this doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I have to remind myself that these kinds of trials are opportunities for the purification of my love; it teaches me to steel my will and strengthen my resolve to persevere even through difficulties.
It reminds me in many ways of the anxiety I feel when I sense that God is absent in my prayer life. Like the Bride in the Song of Songs searching desperately for the One whom her heart loved all over the city, I can at times find myself frantically seeking after a tiny shred of consolation and reassurance from God that He is not absent. The mystics remind us that God never leaves us orphans but at times He withdraws our awareness of His presence in order to test and strengthen us. Julian of Norwich reminds us to trust and not to fear, saying, "all will be well." St. Teresa of Avila exhorts us:
Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
He who has God
finds he lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.
So while I pass through this 'dark night' of sorts, I will remind myself that "All things pass away" - and also, despite its seeming absence, I will remind myself of his - and God's - love for me.
In closing, I'll share the following song which I've shared before - which I absolutely love. The part that especially speaks to me now- is this:
"I whisper, ask in your ears:
who is it that calls to you tonight - listen
who sings loudly to you - to your window
who would give up his soul so you'd be happy
who will put his hand and build you your home
who will be like dust living at your feet
who will love you most of all your lovers
who will save you from all evil spirits
from the deep depths.
THE IDAN RAICHEL PROJECT - MI'MA'AMAKIM (OUT OF THE DEPTHS)
Lyrics Mime'amakim kar'ati elaich boi elai beshuvech yach'zor shuv ha'or be'einai lo gamur, lo ozev t'aamaga beyadaich sheyavo veya'ir lemish'ma kol tz'chokech. Mime'amakim kar'ati elaich boi elai mul yare'ach me'ir et darkech shuv elai nifrasu venamsu mul maga shel yadaich be'oznaich lochesh sho'el: Mi zeh kore lach halailah - hakshivi mi shar bakol elaich - el chalonech mi sam nafsho shetehi me'usheret mi yasim yad veyivneh et beitech. Mi yiten chayav, yasimam mitachtaich mi ka'afar leraglaich yichyeh mi yohavech od mikol ohavaich mi mikol ru'ach ra'ah yatzilech mime'amakim. Mime'amakim kar'ati elaich boi elai mul yare'ach me'ir et darkech shuv elai nifrasu venam'su mul maga shel yadaich be'oznaich lochesh sho'el: Mi zeh kore lach halailah ... | Translation From deep depths I called to you to come to me with your return the light in my eyes will come back it's not finished, I am not leaving the touch of your hands that it may come and light up/wake upon hearing the sound of your laugh. From deep depths I called to you to come to me the moonlight I will again light your way to me they're spread out and melted again the touch of your hands I whisper, ask in your ears: Who is it that calls to you tonight - listen who sings loudly to you - to your window who put his soul so you'd be happy who will put his hand and build you your home who will give his life, put it underneath you who will be like dust living at your feet who will love you of all your lovers who will save you from all evil spirits from the deep depths. From deep depths I called to you to come to me the moonlight I will again light your way to me they're spread out and melted again the touch of your hands I whisper, ask in your ears: Who is it that calls to you tonight |
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