Budgeting for Real Life #2:

So I just went back and looked at my credit card statements to see how I am doing with keeping track of my spending.

Yikes! I knew I had forgotten to enter a few receipt totals into my budget excel sheet, but i figured it didn't amount to all that much since they were usually small purchases - a latte here, a book there.

Grand total of unaccounted for expenditures: roughly $320.

I'm not doing as well as I had hoped. And with the holidays around the corner, I am trying to convince not to spend too much this Christmas, which is going to be very difficult for me.

Thankfully, my Mom decided we're keeping Christmas simple this year - she sent us this video from Youtube called the Advent Conspiracy.



Anyway, as I think about working as a Catholic school teacher next year, and the high probability that I won't exactly be rolling in the dough, I'm going to have to really cut back...

The thing is - I keep telling myself that I don't actually spend that much money. And compared to some peers, I don't. I've been better than I was last year...  But right now, while I do not have a balance on my credit card and I do have money in the bank, the fact of the matter is that I feel like I should have at least $3,000 (half of my year long goal to save $6,000) currently in my banking account, which I currently don't - (not even close!).

Hopefully the situation will improve. I am determined to make my goal - and it's not too late (yet). Wish me luck!

Gratitude Continued

AHHH! I forgot to list a number of very important things I am thankful for:

* For the opportunity to travel to the Holy Land and all the graces that God gave me during that pilgrimage;
* For voicemails from my adorable godson!
* For public libraries that have great collections

more to come!

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's been a while since my last post - Things have been insane here! Anyway, I thought I'd repeat the tradition I started last year and make a list of everything I'm thankful for this year:

This year, I am thankful for  (with some repeats, and some new additions from last year):

* Reconnecting with old friends
* My students at Marian High School - especially 9th hour and for my Mentor teacher!
* Greater clarity about where I am going next year after the Mdiv
* for حبيبي , my love! and especially all the ways he makes me aware of God's incredible love for me.
* for forgiveness, mercy, especially in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
* for humility, realizing my human limitations and yet how much God loves me even in my littleness and weakness.
* for peace and balance in life.
* for the women of Cavanaugh hall, and all the ways they have given me opportunities to mentor them, walk beside them, pray with them, live, and laugh with them!
* opportunity to study at Notre Dame and for my scholarship which makes it free!
* for the fact that I only have one more semester left of university study ! - in other words, that I'm almost done with homework FOREVER! (or at least until I pursue another degree ;)) 
* growth in my relationship with my family members
* For my doctor and counselor - for the ways they have helped me to overcome the cyclical (as related to PMS) depression i've struggled with for so long!
* new spiritual insights - things God has taught me / showed me this year
*greater clarity about my unique calling in life
* my health, which I often take for granted
* pastors, catechists, youth ministers, professors who have taught me the faith
* my classmates - who teach me so much and challenge me to grow
* best friends, who are always only a phone call away and offer love, support, and encouragement
* the beauty of the Fall here at Notre Dame
* puppies
* my housekeeper who cleans my room every week and who is a wonderful woman!
* squirrels
* great blogs that encourage me and help me cope with struggles in life
* great books which inspire me to do something great with my life
* the Word of God which always has an encouraging or challenging word to speak to my heart
* for the Eucharist which sustains me on this earthly journey.
* for the hospitality which others lavish on me
* opportunities for quality time
* others who have reached out to me
* For the opportunity to study the Arabic language and for my teacher
* for the beauty of the Arabic culture* dining hall workers - particularly the card swipers!
* queen sized beds
* many other things...

Homily #1

Here is a homily I wrote for one of my classes this year based on the Gospel in which Jesus heals the 10 lepers, and only 1 (the Samaritan) comes back to thank Him:


             Anyone who has ever read or seen a production of Victor Hugo’s novel Les Miserables cannot easily forget the scene where Jean val Jean, the callous and recently released convict comes to the house of the local bishop after having been rejected at every other place he had gone seeking lodging.

The bishop, a deeply pious and holy man graciously welcomes Jean into his home and receives him with lavish hospitality. Then, during the night, while the Bishop and his attendants are asleep, Jean val Jean proceeds to steal the silverware. In the morning the bishop’s housekeepers discover that the silver had been stolen – And that Jean Val Jean is nowhere to be found. The bishop, for his part, has the audacity to respond to the situation by saying: “Well, in the first place, was the silver ever really ours?”

When the scoundrel Jean Val Jean is dragged back to the bishop’s house by the local law enforcement officers, the bishop, rather than demanding the return of the stolen goods looks kindly at Jean Val Jean and says to him: “Ah! Here you are! I’m glad to see you. Well, but how is this? I gave you the candlesticks too, which are of silver like the rest, and for which you can certainly get two hundred franks. Why did you not carry them away with your forks and spoons?”

The bishop covers for Jean’s thievery by an act of sheer magnanimity:  He gives Jean not only the silverware, but the candlesticks as well, and sends him out in peace with the charge to use the money to become a better man.

Reading this story, we are struck by the large-heartedness of the Bishop. His actions shine forth with a radiance whose brightness melts away our own hard- heartedness and makes us too, want to be a better person.

            Is not the large-hearted kindness which the bishop displays in this scene an image of the largeheartedness of Jesus which we see in our Gospel today? Here’s Jesus, walking along the road that leads to Jerusalem, to Calvary, on his way to his suffering and death for the sake of the kingdom and the redemption of the people of God.  Along the way Jesus meets this band of lepers, all disfigured by their disease.

            When they call out to him, “Jesus, Master! Have pity on us!”Jesus sees them is moved with compassion for them. He immediately tells them: “Go show yourselves to the priests.” And walking along the way, the lepers they realize they had been healed. Yet only one returns to thank him.

If I had been Jesus, would have done what Jesus did?

Would I have healed the ten, knowing that only one would return to give thanks?

While our hearts are tempted to withhold love

When we know it will not be appreciated, will not be acknowledged,

God gives.

God loves.

Without conditions,

Without strings attached.

             God is faithful to us, despite our unfaithfulness. St. Paul tells us that “Even if we are

unfaithful, God remains faithful.

             Though the Gospel never tells us what happened to the other nine we can imagine they went on their way and found the priests and showed them that their flesh had become again like the flesh of a little child healed of all their leprosy. We can imagine they were happy to return to their old lives, their communities, and their families.

Although Jesus asks, “Were not ten lepers healed?

Where are the other nine?”

He does not ask this to say to us, “you owe me,”

Even though he could,

Since we are indebted to God at every moment

For all the good we have in our lives.

No, Jesus says this in order to demonstrate

That God is good not only to those who are grateful

But to those who are or will be ungrateful as well.

All ten were cleansed, regardless of whether or not

They would come back to give him thanks.

Today we celebrate the good news that the God we worship

Does not extend goodness only to those who will be grateful

Or who ‘deserve it.’ God’s love is a reckless love which goes beyond self-preservation

Or self-interest, giving itself to all with equal magnanimity.

The Iranian mystic and poet Hafiz of Shirahz once wrote:

“Even after all this time the Sun never says to the earth,

“You owe me.’

Look what happens with a love like that.

It lights the whole sky.”

Today we rejoice and give thanks that the Son of God, Jesus Christ,

loves us with just such a love, and because of that love,

 the world is filled with his marvelous and wonderful light.

Gerabic 101 =)

+

 

=

Gerabic!

(‘jǝr - ə-bik)

I love studying Arabic. It's been a lot of work, but fun too. It's pretty amazing to me that I can now read the whole alphabet. I've even figured out how to type in Arabic on my computer. Check it out!

!صباح الخير (Good Morning!)


رايتشل كارن (that's my name in Arabic) :)


Anyway, the funny part about studying this new language, is that whenever I don't know a word for something in Arabic, I spontaneously think of the German word that I am trying to come up with! It's soooo annoying and unhelpful, but it's also making me realize how much German I still remember from back in the day.

Like for example, we (were supposed to have) learned the question words, WHO, WHERE, WHAT last week. Instead of  من , اين, ماذا I kept thinking: Wer? Woher? Was? - so not helpful.

O الله, hilf mir! (God help me!)

Forgiveness & Gratuitous Love

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.

There are perhaps no words more freeing than these:

"God the Father of mercies,
through the death and resurrection of his Son
has reconciled the world to himself
and sent the Holy Spirit among us
for the forgiveness of sins;
through the ministry of the Church
may God give you pardon and peace,
and I absolve you from your sins
in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."

Here at Notre Dame confession is offered at least 2x daily, every day of the week except Sunday.
While I don't go as often as I should, I try to go when I can.

The other day I had to preach a homily (for a practice run of the "Sunday Celebration in the Absence of a Priest" for my Liturgical Celebration class) about the Gospel where Jesus cleanses the ten lepers, and only one comes back to say thank you. In my homily, I took the approach that Jesus is good to all - even the ungrateful. I argued that although Jesus asked, "were not ten cleansed? where are the other nine?" He was not saying this because he was 'hurt' that they didn't come back to thank him. God needs neither our thanks nor our praise; God is entirely content and happy in Himself. He said it to demonstrate His gratuitous, unconditional love for us. God's willingness to heal us - is  not dependent upon our receiving his gifts with gratitude. The wisdom literature says that God causes the rain to fall upon the just and the unjust.

I ended the homily with a poem by Hafiz:

"Even after all this time,
the sun never says to the earth,
"You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights the whole sky."


I recently got into a tiff with someone in my life, and was feeling quite vindictive. This was the second or third time that this sort of thing has happened, and I was losing my patience and feeling more than a little bit annoyed. Then this person called me and apologized profusely, in a way that showed understanding of how serious the offense had been. All day long I had been praying about how to handle this conversation, and had toyed with different options in my head - one from being forgiving, and the other- well, letting this person have a piece of my mind. 


In the moment I went with being forgiving, but I wondered whether I was letting this person off the hook a bit too easily. I had a good conversation with them, and felt like we had a bit of a new beginning. Forgiveness felt good, but part of me still questioned whether it was the wise choice. 


I went to hall mass last night, and right before communion, suddenly a scripture passage came to me-- you know, the Gospel in which the bad steward begs forgiveness from his master for a huge debt he owes, and the master graciously forgives the debt. Then, not very long afterwards, a man who owed that same steward a small amount came to steward begging forgiveness, and the steward demands repayment and refuses to forgive the debt. ... 


Needless to say, it's often easier to receive forgiveness than to give it. 


"But look what happens with a love like that. it lights the whole sky."


This week, I want to recommit myself to living and giving - forgiveness. 

Family History

So for my Arabic class this week, we have to bring in family photos and give a presentation about our family to the class. I wanted to find some pictures of family members, so I went looking through my Aunt's facebook profile and realized she had recently posted pictures of my grandmother who died in February of 2008. These are photographs I have never seen before, and show her a young, beautiful woman! It's been awesome looking through these and seeing her in her youth; I only knew her in her old age. Here's a sampling:

Isn't she beautiful? Looking through these made me smile and think of a lot of great memories (lucky charms at Grandmas (bc my mom would never buy them!), sledding, watching her work in the garden, playing cards, driving around in her car, taking the French Nuns grocery shopping and being mortified when they would go up to everyone and ask "are you baptized?" in the grocery store - these nuns were nuts!). Anyway, what a great find!

On My Mind

John 21:15-19

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" 

He said to him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." 

He said to him, "Feed my lambs."

He then said to him a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" 


He said to him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." 


He said to him, "Tend my sheep."


He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" 


Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." 


(Jesus) said to him, "Feed my sheep. Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."


He said this signifying by what kind of death he would glorify God. And when he had said this, he said to him, "Follow me."

Songs I Like

God Gave Me You - Dave Barnes

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
*If* There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
Ill be the flattered fool
and I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
*If* There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
*If* There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
Gave me you.

Mine - Taylor Swift

Abundance vs. Scarcity Mentality

So something that I was reading in one of my class readings was about how as leaders, we ought to operate under an abundance mentality rather than a scarcity mentality. In other words, we ought not think that another's success takes away from our own. In fact, the idea that other's gain takes away from our own comes from a place of egocentrism. To feel threatened by another's success is a sign of our own own insecurity.

Beyond the realm of leadership, operating from a paradigm of abundance has great potential to open our hearts to a new way of being in the world.

What if we let go of fear and embraced challenge?
What if we stopped protecting our own assets and learned to be generous?
What if we stopped being stingy with our time and learned to give an extra 20 or 30 minutes to listen to the heartache of another without unburdening our own hearts of their sorrow?

So often we do not do the things we ought because we feel that we lose something in doing them and we fear being sucked dry.

While this does not mean that we ought to have no boundaries and let others TAKE, TAKE, TAKE without ever asking for our own needs to be met, I do think that this requires us to leave behind an adolescent egocentrism in favor of true Christian generosity.

I think St. Francis got this right:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon:

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope

where there is darkness, light

where there is sadness, joy

O divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

A Love Poem for your Sunday

I'm going to try to start up some weekly features on my blog. Starting this week - and hopefully continuing each week, I'm going to post a new poem, passage, reflection that I find about God's love, since something I've been thinking about lately is that my own life's mission - at its core -is to tell people how much God loves them.

This week's poem is "A Lover Who Wants His Lovers Near" by Rabia, in Love Poems from God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West by Daniel Ladinsky.

A LOVER WHO WANTS HIS LOVERS NEAR

He is

sweet that way,

trying to coax the world to dance.

Look how the wind holds the trees in its hands

helping them to

sway.

Look how the sky takes the fields and the oceans

and our bodies in its arms, and moves

all beings toward

His lips.

God must get hungry for us; why is He not also

a lover who wants His lovers 

near?

Beauty 

is my teacher

helping me to know He

cares for

me.

Peace and the Common Good

So last night I watched President Obama's speech regarding the removal of troops from Iraq, signaling the official end of Operation Iraqi Freedom which was begun by President Bush in 2003.

In case you missed it, here's a link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzO9LZzZoOk


I watched it on the White House's YouTube channel and participated in the discussion by submitting questions and voting on other questions. The two questions that I posted were (more or less):

1) The establishment of peace happens not merely in the absence of war, but requires the active promotion of the human flourishing of all. What are we prepared to do to assist Iraq in establishing lasting peace even as we remove our troops from their nation?

2) What is your plan, Mr. President, for establishing more collaboration and positive relationships with Iraq and other nations in the Middle East, and to promote long-term peace in the region?

I was shocked at how many people voted negatively against my questions. I was also shocked by how many questions were about "why are we spending billions abroad when we have people here who are in poverty?"  or "Let the Iraqis take care of their own country!"

While "charity begins at home," one also has to recognize that the poor in America often have access to safety nets (resources through social service agencies, charitable organizations, etc.) which do not exist in other nations, especially not in those just recovering from nearly a decade of war. I'm all for taking care of the poor here in the US, but we have to realize that we live in a globalized world. In his encyclical Sollicitudo Rei Socialis, Pope John Paul wrote:

"Solidarity ... is not a feeling of vague compassion or shallow distress at the misfortunes of so many people, both near and far. On the contrary, it is a firm and persevering determination to commit oneself to the common good; that is to say, to the good of all and of each individual, because we are all really responsible for all." (#38).

As I grow older I am realizing that it's problematic to have the view that I'm only responsible for what is immediately in front of me. I can go to the store and purchase a cheap t-shirt at a large store and think: "Great! I saved a few bucks!" But what I might not realize is that that shirt that I just bought was produced in a sweat shop by a child laborer. Or the vegetables we eat - may have been harvested by a migrant worker who is not paid a just wage for his or her labor because she is "undocumented." Nearly everything we consume, use, or purchase these days is a product of the global market. How I live my daily live here in the States - might be having an impact on the daily lives of people all over the world.

As cheesy as it sounds, I can't help but think of the song from Disney's Pocahontas - "And we are all connected to each other, in a circle, in a hoop that never ends."  Catholic Social Teaching would say that our good - is tied up with the common good of all humanity. If there are people suffering in any part of the globe, our good is not being fully realized.

All of us need to pray for the conversion of heart necessary to recognize the truth that we cannot stop caring about the people and situation of Iraq. Yes, we've invested billions in helping to (hopefully) secure political stability and freedom. Yes, it was a high price to pay that required great sacrifices from us as a nation. But  our job isn't - and will never be - finished. Now what the US needs to do is to increase its commitment to providing humanitarian aid and assistance with the economic, cultural, and spiritual development of Iraq. Ultimately, peace is not achieved with weapons but with caritas - love. Our continued commitment to these aims is what will help us secure their good - and ours.

Free Hugs

This video made me smile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hN8CKwdosjE

Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Recently, I've found myself drawn to reflect on the life and witness of Mother Teresa of Calcutta. Her 100th birthday is in a few days, on Aug. 26, 2010.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've been thinking about people who travel abroad to do long term service. The first year MDiv that I am paired up with as a 'mentor' just returned from a year of service with the Salesians of St. John Bosco in South Africa. Listening to her stories from her time there, I think she is doing more to mentor me than I am her! She inspires me.

I also recently talked to a student who lived in Cavanaugh last year who just returned from an ISSLP (International Summer Student Learning Program) working with the Missionaries of Charity in Calcutta at MT's home for the dying. She said it was an amazing experience and wants to go back!

What struck me - is how much this young woman seems to have changed as a result of her experience. When she left she came across (to me, at least) as a carefree sophomore with far too much bubbly-ness and energy. Talking with her this past week, she still radiated the joy she always did, but I felt that there was a new depth and maturity behind it. She spoke of visiting Mother's tomb daily, and how each day they put a quote of Mother Teresa's there - written out entirely using flowers. She spoke of how some days she would go in to the tomb at times when she was struggling - and that very often the quote would just "hit the nail on the head' for whatever she was struggling with that day. Even from the grave, Mother Teresa spoke to her heart!

Her enthusiasm and zeal was contagious. I walked away from my conversation with this student thinking about whether I would ever consider doing international service - and whether that might be something God wants of me. Wanting some guidance, I remembered that I have this little novena book which has quotes and reflections by Bl. Teresa of Calcutta and decided that I should take a look at it once again.

That evening, I went down to the chapel in our dorm and pulled out the novena book - the words of Mother Teresa, her "thought for day" on the first day of the novena really spoke to me as well:

"Do not search for Jesus in far lands; He is not there. He is close to you; He is in you."

It struck me that I need not go to India or Africa or South America or the Middle East to find Jesus. He is, as St. Augustine would say, "more intimate to me than I am to myself."

The homily for this Sunday (given by a young priest of the Congregation of the Holy Cross) spoke of how God gives us TODAY as a gift, and that God can only be found in the present. We only need to be attentive and we will see Him, experience Him right where we are.

It struck me that my challenge for this year is to live in the moment, to be as present as I can to the present moment, to serve those who are right in front of me, and not to desire to be or to serve somewhere else.

Arabic I Here I Come!

So after about 20 emails, everything is in place. I am officially auditing Arabic I!

One of the residents I work closely with (she's our multicultural commissioner in the dorm!) told me about these two great websites: antimoon.com and alljapaneseallthetime.com. Both of these websites give strategies for language learners to increasing their language learning success.

I've been reading their pages and getting myself very excited about this. I forgot how much I love language learning!

One of the strategies which one of these websites gives is increasing your INPUT (exposure to the language) on a daily basis. They recommend reading a book in the target language for an hour a day, watching TV programs, listening to music in the target language.

This year I haveCable TV in my apartment in the dorm, and had a TV donated to me for use. Though I had cable last year, I didn't have a TV, and I insisted on not going out and buying one - since honestly, having a TV is simply another distraction that frankly I don't need! But - flipping through the channels I've realized that ND's Cable package features a number of foreign-language channels - including one in French, German, and Italian. It's been super fun to watch Italian game shows and catch the tail end of German news programs. Although I don't understand a whole lot all the time, I've found myself being able to understand more and more of it as I watch it more and more frequently. Doing this has given me a renewed interest in learning languages. I think they might even have some Arabic programming, although I'll have to double check.

Someday I hope that I will be able to be fluent in one or more foreign languages, and that I'll be comfortable in communicating with others in a foreign language as I am in my mother tongue.

Wish me luck!

Random thoughts

I thought I'd post something just so that the last post on my blog is not me ranting anymore. I thought I'd post about the things I've been thinking about lately - in all their randomness, depth, and perhaps even beauty.

I've been thinking about undergrad a lot lately. Today I drove one of our Freshmen Orientation leaders to Panera and she saw my FUS alum sticker on my back windshield and told me she went to a bunch of Steubenville conferences when she was in high school.

I have been thinking about chocolate a lot lately. Remind me to pick some up next time I go to the store!


I went on a retreat to Lake Wawasee in Indiana with the Lay MDiv students - as we always do at the start of each year - this week. While I was there, I kept thinking about being in Galilee by the Sea of Galilee (which is actually a lake!) and about all the things I felt God had spoken to my heart there.

I've been thinking about my future children lately. This is sort of a random thing, but sometimes I talk to them / pray for their intercession. If God is timeless, and if they exist even now (although only in the mind of God), then I think in some sense it is possible to do that. Even if it's not possible, I still think God is listening, so in the end, I guess it works. It's a really interesting exercise - makes you really think about what you want to be for them, what you want for them, what you want them to become...and about the present, about what you can be doing now to prepare for that. I find that doing this easily turns my heart to praying some of the most honest prayers I have ever prayed in my life.

I've been thinking about my humanity a lot lately, and about humanity in general. Realizing our frailty and our weakness - not in a depressing way, but in a humbling way. We are like the grass that is here today and gone tomorrow. We are fickle, constantly changing, constantly moving between extremes and inconstant in almost everything. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

I have been thinking about my friends who struggle with being single - and finding my heart breaking for them and not knowing how to reach out to and support them.

I have been thinking about people who give up the comfort of living in the United States (or any "first world" country) and who go and live among the "poorest of the poor." Hearing their stories and thinking about the sacrifices they make on a daily basis makes me want to take a year off after graduation and do the same.

RANT

The carefree days of summer are OVER.
I hate my life... for the next two weeks. Make the insanity stop!!!

I resent being busy from the moment I wake up until the moment my bed hits the pillow at 1am. I resent having to ignore phone calls just because I honestly do not have the time to answer them. I resent having to be the bad news bear and tell everyone NO. I hate not having a spare minute to call the people I care about most. I hate having to juggle responsibilities coming at me from numerous different communities all at once (hall staff, my field placement site, the MDiv program, my family....). The only place I want to be right now is in the arms of the one I love, and it makes me so mad that I won't be able to be there anytime in the next two weeks. I hate the fact that when I get stressed out like this I turn into the biggest jerk ever and have the shortest fuse imaginable. I'm trying to be charitable, but I feel like I want to bite someone's head off.

It's times like these I realize the need for self-care. All that I need is some quiet time, some time for me. But the bad thing is, I won't get that for another week or so. And that also makes me really mad!

I did not anticipate that this week would be so terribly insane.

Prayer for the week: Please God, give me patience and fortitude, and QUICK!

Inshallah...

Please say a quick prayer that this professor at Notre Dame will let me sit in on her Arabic I class this fall. Inshallah, (God willing), she'll allow me to, even though I'm not an undergrad and the school does not normally let grad students take undergraduate courses. All I really want to do is sit in the back of the class and absorb what I can. Basically, I just want to audit the course...

Good news: the class schedule online says that there are several seats open in the class -
Bad news: the class is at 8:00am in the morning... 8 am class = lots of Qahwa.

A Year of Transitions

So this week I'm in the process of moving from Siegfried (normally a men's hall, but during the summer, it doubles as grad-student housing) back into Cavanaugh for the upcoming school year. I'm in a new apartment on the 4th floor - and wicked excited about that because this apartment has a kitchen! I am so excited to be able to cook, to have people over, etc.  This means that I'll be purchasing cooking equipment (the basics)- which ultimately remind me that in just over a year I'll have to cook for myself every day. It's a little reminder of the life that awaits me after graduation.

I feel like this year will be quite a year of transitions for me. First of all, we have a brand new rector - I'm the only staff person who is returning (each year we have a whole new RA staff, and usually, one new AR (ARs usually stay for 2 years; I'm the returner this year, so we have a new AR - replacing my co-worker who graduated).Also, I'll be working in the dorm AND student teaching. I'll also be finishing up my final year of the MDiv and then graduating, then venturing out into the "Real World" again. I'll also be discerning and making big decisions about relationships.


Needless to say, what my life looks like now is probably not what it's going to look like 12 months from now. I'm definitely "in-between" - "twixt-and-twain" ; I'm no longer a carefree student with the security of many more years of studenthood ahead of me, but I'm not yet out in the world with a life all my own.

It's an interesting place to be - but one that I'm eager to leave behind. Part of me wants to stay where I am, to "build a tent" and just remain; the other half is pulling me forward, wanting to get on with the life ahead of me.

The trick and challenge of the next year will be learning to be patient with the state I find myself in today, being present to the reality and people of today, being content with God's grace and presence in my life today instead of His promises for the future.


Wish me luck! (Go Irish!)

Loaves and Fishes

 So a beautiful reflection that my professor has also been reiterating in class is that the Father loves us with the same love with which He loves the Son. God loves US as much as He loves Jesus! God is One, and God is Love, therefore, God's Love is One. He cannot love differently, only perfectly. By Baptism (and thus, adoption as Sons and Daughters of God in the Son, by the power of the Holy Spirit), we have become by grace what Christ is by nature. He loves us as He loves Christ.

Would that we would meditate on this profound reality daily!

Reading through the Gospels, one sees how loving the Father is toward Jesus - and toward us. Jesus' whole ministry is marked by this profound awareness on His part of the Love His Father has for Him. It begins at Jesus' Baptism in the Jordan River, when a voice from heaven says, "This is my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased" and continues from there.

It dawned on me then, how loving our God is. If God loves us that much, (and He does), should we not trust Him?

Thinking in these terms, it has made me re-read a lot of other passages in a new way: "What Father, when his son asks for a fish, would hand him a snake? Or when he asks for a loaf, would hand him a stone. If you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more so your heavenly Father..."


Let us pray boldly, asking God with confidence for the grace(s) we need in our lives, for Jesus tells us that we ought to pray to the Father in his name, asking for whatever we need, and that we need not be afraid because  "The Father himself loves" us. (John 16:26-27).

Love Poems

So I am taking a class called "Eucharist as Mystical Body" this summer. One of the themes that we are discussing in the class is how mystical theology (the writings of the mystics) ought to be considered a more serious source for doing theology. In the past, mysticism was seen as esoteric, sometimes even dangerous, and mainstream theology stuck to looking at Scholastic manuals as the only sources for doing theology.

Our professor gave us a sampling of some poetry by St. John of the Cross and discussed how it can deeply lead us to contemplate the mystery of the Eucharist. One such poem has been translated under the name "Although by Night."

How well I know the spring that brims and flows,

Although by night.

This eternal spring is hidden deep,

How well I know the course its waters keep,

Although by night.

Its source I do not know because it has none

and yet from this, I know, all sources come,

Although by night.

I know that no created thing could be so fair

and that both earth and heaven drink from there,

Although by night.

I know its depths possess no bed to fathom

and that none may ford across or sound them

Although by night.

Its radiance is never clouded and in this

I know that all light has its genesis,

Although by night.

I know its currents carry such abundance

They water hell and heaven and all nations,

Although by night.

The current welling from this fountain's source

I know to be as mighty in its force

Although by night.

And from these two preceeds another stream.

I know that neither over this one reigns supreme,

Although by night.

This eternal fountain is conceiled from sight

Within this living bread to give us life,

Although by night.

And here is calling out to all the creatures,

these waters quench their thirst, although by darkness,

because they lie in night.

I long for this, the living-fountain-head,

I see it here within the living bread,

Although by night.

  

Our professor went on to explain how this poem situates the Eucharist within the life of the Trinity. The Trinity is the source from whom all life and all blessings flow. God is the uncreated source of all that is - and the Son proceeds from the Father, and the Spirit from them both ("And from these two proceeds another stream...") The repetition of "Although by night" reminds us that these things we know in faith - not by sight. What he is trying to speak of here is a great and beautiful Mystery.

Anyway, so our professor mentioned that we all ought to go and read more poetry - that poetry has an ability to communicate deep truths in a way that prose cannot. It has dawned on me recently that I rarely read poetry or literature. Most of what I read is for school or for personal growth. It dawned on me that my humanity is being stifled by my limited exposure to great literature.

That being said, despite my self-imposed ban on browsing Amazon.com, the other day I went to Barnes and Noble and I bought this book called "Love Poems From God" by Daniel Ladinsky. In it, he "records" the spiritual poetry of [primarily] Christian and Muslim mystics - taking some grand [and I mean, GRAND]artistic liberties with them. That being said, the poetry that fills these pages are still beautiful and deeply inspiring. In many ways, so many of these poems hint at beautiful themes- that God loves us with an immeasurable love, the goodness of creation, and growth and expansion of the human heart, the call to love. Reading them, my heart feels like it grows wings!

Here's a selection of some of my favorites:

THE SKY GAVE ME ITS HEART
Rabia, 8th C. Woman Sufi Mystic

The sky gave me its heart
because it knew mine was not large enough to care
for the earth the way
it did.

Why is it we think of God so much?
Why is there so much talk
about love?

When an animal is wounded
no one has to tell it, "You need to heal"; so naturally it will nurse
itself the best it can.

My eye kept telling me, "Something is missing from
all I see." So it went in search of the cure.

The cure for me was His beauty, the remedy --
for me was to
love.


JEALOUS OF A POND
Rabia, 8th C. Woman Sufi Mystic

When God said, "My hands are yours," I saw that I could heal any
creature in this world;

I saw that the divine beauty in each heart
is the root of all time
and space.

I was once a sleeping ocean
and in a dream became
jealous of a
pond.

A penny can be eyed in the street
and a war can break out
over it amongst
the poor.

Until we know that God lives in us
and we can see Him
there,

a great poverty
we suffer.

IT ACTS LIKE LOVE
Rabia, 8th C. Woman Sufi Mystic

It acts like love -- music,
it reaches toward the face, touches it, and tries to let you know
His promise; that all will be okay.

It acts like love -- music, and
tells the feet, "You do not have to be so burdened."

My body is covered with wounds
this world made,

but I still longed to kiss Him, even when God said,

"Could you also kiss the hand that caused each scar,

for you will not find me until
you do."

It does that -- music -- helps us
to forgive.

ALWAYS FROM THE CHILD'S HAND
Francis of Assisi

Always from the child's hand the sword
should be removed.

I think every nation is
an infant.

IN ALL THINGS
Francis of Assisi

It was easy to love God in all that
was beautiful.

The lessons of deeper knowledge, though, instructed me
to embrace God in all
things.

THE WIND WILL SHOW ITS KINDNESS
Meister Eckhart

A man
born blind can easily
deny the magnificience of a vast landscape.

He can easily deny all the wonders that he cannot touch,
smell, taste, or hear.

But one day the wind will show its kindness
and remove the tiny patches that
cover your eyes,

and you will see God more clearly
than you have ever seen
yourself.

BUT HE WANTED ME
Meister Eckhart

I could not bear to touch God with my own hand
when He came within
my reach,

but He wanted me
to hold
Him.

How God solved my blessed agony,
who can understand?

he turned my
body into
His.

Budgeting for my upcoming "Real Life"

So I'm trying to "plan ahead" for once and decided to create a budget for the upcoming year. I have lofty goals of being able to save around $8,000 so that when I graduate, I'll have some money to potentially

a) buy a new car
b) rent and furnish an apartment
c) pay for a wedding

just in case one or a number of those things are in my near future.

That being said, I did some number crunching and thinking about my own expenses and spending habits and came up with a budget that leaves me only around $6,000, which means that I'm already -$2,000 from my goal. Ooof.

That being said, I'm having to realize that my days of carefree spending are pretty much over. I need to seriously break some not so good (not terrible, but definitely not helpful) spending habits and start really being conscientious about saving and living within my means. Thankfully, I don't have any debt other than school loans, and thankfully, due to the generosity of my parents, even that is not too bad, but this does not excuse me from having to learn to exercise a little self-restraint and foresight to prepare for my future. 


Notes to self:
* Stop being lazy and buying STARBUCKS and make your own coffee! (this could easily save $15-20 per week). With that in mind, use your "flex points" (oh how I love AR job perks!) for buying more important things than pumpkin spice lattes.
* Stop buying books. Get them from the library instead. Rachel, you are hereby banned from "just browsing" Amazon.com.
* Learn to be thrift-ier.
* Consider cheaper ways of traveling for school breaks (i.e. driving / carpooling?). Roadtrip anyone?
* I have to give up buying people stuff. This is probably going to be the hardest. I love buying gifts for people!
* No more traveling. This will also be difficult. I've been back from Israel for over a month, and just got back from a trip to Winnipeg, Canada, and I have been seriously thinking about going to Madrid for WYD 2011, or even walking the Cammino to Santiago de Compostela.... Not to mention Lourdes, Fatima, Ireland, California, Mexico City, and a few other places that I'm just itching to go see!

 Any other saving tips? Please help!
 

Recent Reflections

Just thought I'd share some recent things I've been reflecting on, and which I feel God has been speaking to my heart to teach me how to love more fully.

Colossians 3:12-17
"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against one another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, as in all wisdom you teach and admonish one another, singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

"Peace requires much understanding and good will. For even when we like another person there is always something that one or another finds displeasing. That is when godly patience, the font of all blessedness, is necessary!’ ~ Bl. John XXIII

"We all have our failings, if not in one area than in another. We should be accommodating to all. To all – for in God’s sight they may be more deserving than we." ~ Bl. John XXIII

And the Pendulum Keeps on Swinging...

I’m sorry that I have not blogged in a great long while. This summer has been an action-packed thriller, and it’s about to get busier.  Right now I’m back at Notre Dame and am about half way through a course titled: “Eucharist as Mystical Body.” So far, it has been pretty good.

My professor told us that one of his undergraduate students once said to him that “I think I’ve met Christians who would stab you to death with a crucifix and then would get down on their knees and thank God for the privilege of doing so.”

The statement struck me. Something that I’ve been reflecting on and thinking about lately is how each and every single human person is a little off balance. We all “miss the mark” from time to time. Actually, in my mind, I think it’s more often than not.

Lately I’ve had several opportunities to re-connect with old friends and talk to people who knew  me back in the days before I came to Notre Dame. While it has been a wonderful experience, it has also shown me how very different I have become. Theological education changes a person, and it should. It is about personal and intellectual conversion. I think my graduate theological education has brought about both in my life.

This makes it difficult in some ways to interact with individuals who knew me before. I struggle with whether I ought to just simply relate to individuals as I always have – to connect with them as I have in the past, or whether I ought to tell them I’ve changed.

On some occasions, I’ve done both. But when I just act in the same manner, I feel that I am not being true to myself, that I am not being honest that the person I have become is not the same as I was – just as the person that I will become tomorrow be the same person that I am today.  But then when I try to share the person I have become, I find people startled, even sometimes dismayed that I have changed my views on a number of issues.

What I’ve come to realize through much of my theological education is that my views on certain things were at times a bit off balance. Being exposed to new ways of doing theology and having to struggle with new ways of thinking about theological questions has I think in turn made me more balanced.

What is interesting, however, is that sometimes those who knew me before now think that I’m the one who is off-balance now. And the experience of being-in-relationship with those who fall more in the category of the way I used to think – and having them question my position – is an interesting one.  Sometimes I try to share with them what I’ve learned, and try to help them see that while I understand where they are coming from (because after all, I once shared a similar view), that it’s possible to see things from a different perspective.  Other times, I just marvel at how very different I’ve become – and wonder if the shock they must feel in realizing that is similar to my own surprise at myself.  At times, others take a judgmental stance- and try to caution me against buying into what some regard as ‘bad theology’ – and while I might feel an unease about the fact that I might identify more readily with this new theology than I used to – I also cannot shake the fact that at the same time I also feel that this new perspective opens up much wider, much freer, much more loving horizons.

I find myself in a position of experimenting, of trying new things and watching and waiting to see what the long term fruit will be. And even while I feel radically outside my comfort zone, being in new theological territory, I find myself consoled by the fact that God is with me in the process and I trust that He will not allow me to go too far astray. Perhaps I formerly was too far to one side; now, I find myself swinging to the polar-opposite extreme. In a sense, this is how we all are, always a little off being centered on Christ. The saints are the ones who, in mastering the life of virtue, are able to keep a life of balance amidst a world of competing extremes. All this being said, I'm not there yet, but I trust that in the end, with God's grace, I'll balance out and end up right where God wants me to be. 

Holy Land Blog

So instead of posting about my Holy Land trip here, I've created a separate blog. Please check out rachelholyland2010.blogspot.com for more entries!

Jerusalem

I'm sorry I have not posted yet, but things have been very busy here. I hope to write more and post some pictures soon!.

I just wanted to say that EVERYONE needs to take a trip to the Holy Land. It is AMAZING here. So far my favorite place has been Bethlehem, more specifically, the Church of the Nativity.

God has been teaching me so much and speaking to my heart like crazy. I wish I could post it all here. You would be amazed at what He's saying. Here's a sampling:

* There is coming a day when you will neither worship here nor in Jerusalem but in Spirit and in truth." see Jn 4 -
* The sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. God is working on me to free me from scrupulosity and to live in the glorious freedom of the children of God.
* "I want to be with you forever."
* I've learned to see the Eucharist in a whole new light. Sitting around eating falafel, hummus, etc. (amazing food here) with my friends, I was remembering the times I sat with my boyfriend and his family eating the same foods, and at that moment realized that I missed him terribly and wished he could be here with me! Sharing this meal made me long to be with him. The thought occurred to me - (perhaps it's an imperfect image, but it resonated with me deeply!) When we go to the Eucharist, we are united with Jesus - but it occured to me that this meal is a foretaste that also ought to make us long for something more- for heaven, where we will finally be reunitd with Jesus forever. Should not the sharing of the Eucharistic banquet make our hearts burn within us as it did for the disciples on the road to Emmaus?
* "For your sake he became poor so that you might become rich." see 2 Corinthians --> Seeing Bethlehem really makes this verse come alive.

more to come-  plus pictures! (i'm no sure when I'll get around to it, but i'm working on it! things are really busy here).

Please know that I am praying for you!