I am going to Jerusalem!!!! (In šāʾ Allāh (إن شاء الله), of course!)
Just bought my plane tickets, and I'm so excited!!!
Now taking prayer requests for this pilgrimage. Let me know if there's anything you want me to pray for at any particular sites!
Friday, April 30, 2010
IT'S OFFICIAL!!!
I am going to Jerusalem!!!! (In šāʾ Allāh (إن شاء الله), of course!)
Just bought my plane tickets, and I'm so excited!!!
Now taking prayer requests for this pilgrimage. Let me know if there's anything you want me to pray for at any particular sites!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
2 Down, 1 to Go! & questions of existential angst
So today was the last day of classes... I'm officially 2/3 done with the MDiv program!!! 2 Years down, 1 to go. Thankfully, I do not have a tough exam schedule either. All I have to do between now and May 6 is finish an end of the year report and revise a rough draft of a paper I did a few weeks ago and re-submit it.
Today it dawned on me that this time next year, I'll be graduating from Notre Dame and heading out into the real world. It's a scary (oh no! what am I going to do with my life?) and consoling (yay! no more homework) thought.
All this being said, I have come to the realization that I need to just take some time to day dream with Jesus and figure out - Lord, where do you want me? Very rarely can I get myself to sit still long enough to really think about the desires of my heart, and to listen to the still, quiet voice of the Good Shepherd calling me, guiding me. Here's what I've been daydreaming / thinking about:
I realized that I have a tendency to over-analyze everything. Furthermore, I can dream up these grandiose plans of future ministry pursuits; I can picture myself as this very influential public person of faith. And I used to really be drawn to those things.
But lately, I've been thinking about the quiet, mundane things of life. What if God were calling me to spend the next several years of my life not starting a career or putting my "big time degree" (as a good friend once called it) to use but in pursuing family life, hidden away from the world?
On some levels, this is what I want. On other levels, I ask myself: am I ready for this? Being in relationship with others - particularly with a significant other - makes me realize how imperfect I really am. As I strive to evaluate the character of this other person, I cannot help but see myself under the same magnifying glass, and it is quite a humbling process! So then I wonder - do I need more time for personal growth? Am I mature enough to be pursuing a serious relationship at this point in the game?
Another question I have is -- "is this the right time?" Then I think of where I am at in life, and say, why not? By the time I graduate, I'll be 25, going on 26. When I think of graduating, and then working for a few years before settling down - there's something in me that is resistant to that. I don't want to be 28, 29, 30+ before I get married. I know lots of people wait until then, but that's not me. Thinking of that as a possibility -- even if a bit premature at this stage in the game -- seems really appealing to me. But then, how would I put this MDiv that I just earned to use? How would I be using my degree to serve the Church? Could I do both? And what would that look like, or is that even what I really want?
Sometimes I wonder if I am floating through life without a clear goal or vision. I wonder if I should have a better sense of some concrete path to which God is calling me, and whether the reason I don't is because I haven't been diligent in taking that sort of thing to prayer on a regular basis.
Tonight I went back and read through all my journals from the past three years and what I discovered is that following God's call in my life has been a messy process! I went back and looked at the time I was struggling to decide whether I should go into the MDiv or not, and found that I was so unsure then. In retrospect, I'm so glad I did; I'm sure it was the right decision. And looking back on the various "discernment crises" I have gone through in my spiritual life (trying to decide whether I'm called to religious life, consecrated virginity, or married life), I realize that at various times I have thought I was called to one or another- but that consistently throughout there was always a restlessness with regard to both religious life (even though I strongly desired this at times!) and consecrated life. Now I am at a place of great peace with the thought of married life, and I'm 99.9% confident that that's where God is calling me. The saying is true: hindsight is 20/20.
So to think that I should have a good, clear picture of where I am headed in the future, seems to be ridiculous. God rarely makes it clear. To do so would take away from us the opportunity for us to TRUST.
For now, I guess that's all I can do!
Today it dawned on me that this time next year, I'll be graduating from Notre Dame and heading out into the real world. It's a scary (oh no! what am I going to do with my life?) and consoling (yay! no more homework) thought.
All this being said, I have come to the realization that I need to just take some time to day dream with Jesus and figure out - Lord, where do you want me? Very rarely can I get myself to sit still long enough to really think about the desires of my heart, and to listen to the still, quiet voice of the Good Shepherd calling me, guiding me. Here's what I've been daydreaming / thinking about:
I realized that I have a tendency to over-analyze everything. Furthermore, I can dream up these grandiose plans of future ministry pursuits; I can picture myself as this very influential public person of faith. And I used to really be drawn to those things.
But lately, I've been thinking about the quiet, mundane things of life. What if God were calling me to spend the next several years of my life not starting a career or putting my "big time degree" (as a good friend once called it) to use but in pursuing family life, hidden away from the world?
On some levels, this is what I want. On other levels, I ask myself: am I ready for this? Being in relationship with others - particularly with a significant other - makes me realize how imperfect I really am. As I strive to evaluate the character of this other person, I cannot help but see myself under the same magnifying glass, and it is quite a humbling process! So then I wonder - do I need more time for personal growth? Am I mature enough to be pursuing a serious relationship at this point in the game?
Another question I have is -- "is this the right time?" Then I think of where I am at in life, and say, why not? By the time I graduate, I'll be 25, going on 26. When I think of graduating, and then working for a few years before settling down - there's something in me that is resistant to that. I don't want to be 28, 29, 30+ before I get married. I know lots of people wait until then, but that's not me. Thinking of that as a possibility -- even if a bit premature at this stage in the game -- seems really appealing to me. But then, how would I put this MDiv that I just earned to use? How would I be using my degree to serve the Church? Could I do both? And what would that look like, or is that even what I really want?
Sometimes I wonder if I am floating through life without a clear goal or vision. I wonder if I should have a better sense of some concrete path to which God is calling me, and whether the reason I don't is because I haven't been diligent in taking that sort of thing to prayer on a regular basis.
Tonight I went back and read through all my journals from the past three years and what I discovered is that following God's call in my life has been a messy process! I went back and looked at the time I was struggling to decide whether I should go into the MDiv or not, and found that I was so unsure then. In retrospect, I'm so glad I did; I'm sure it was the right decision. And looking back on the various "discernment crises" I have gone through in my spiritual life (trying to decide whether I'm called to religious life, consecrated virginity, or married life), I realize that at various times I have thought I was called to one or another- but that consistently throughout there was always a restlessness with regard to both religious life (even though I strongly desired this at times!) and consecrated life. Now I am at a place of great peace with the thought of married life, and I'm 99.9% confident that that's where God is calling me. The saying is true: hindsight is 20/20.
So to think that I should have a good, clear picture of where I am headed in the future, seems to be ridiculous. God rarely makes it clear. To do so would take away from us the opportunity for us to TRUST.
For now, I guess that's all I can do!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
"God Of My Life"
This prayer has really spoken to me lately. I thought I'd share it here.
"God of My Life" - A Prayer By Karl Rahner
Only in love can I find you, my God.
In love the gates of my soul spring open,
allowing me to breathe a new air of freedom
and forget my own petty self.
In love my whole being streams forth
out of rigid confines of narrowness and anxious self-assertion,
which makes me a prisoner of my own poverty and emptiness.
In love all the powers of my soul flow out toward You,
wanting never more to return,
but to lose themselves completely in You,
since by Your love You are the inmost center of my heart,
closer to me than I am to myself.
But when I love You,
when I manage to break out of the narrow circle of self
and leave behind the restless agony of unanswered questions,
when my blinded eyes no longer look merely from afar
and from the outside upon Your unapproachable brightness,
and much more when You Yourself, O Incomprehensible One,
have become through love the inmost center of my life,
Then I can bury myself entirely in You, O mysterious God,
and with myself all my questions.
"God of My Life" - A Prayer By Karl Rahner
Only in love can I find you, my God.
In love the gates of my soul spring open,
allowing me to breathe a new air of freedom
and forget my own petty self.
In love my whole being streams forth
out of rigid confines of narrowness and anxious self-assertion,
which makes me a prisoner of my own poverty and emptiness.
In love all the powers of my soul flow out toward You,
wanting never more to return,
but to lose themselves completely in You,
since by Your love You are the inmost center of my heart,
closer to me than I am to myself.
But when I love You,
when I manage to break out of the narrow circle of self
and leave behind the restless agony of unanswered questions,
when my blinded eyes no longer look merely from afar
and from the outside upon Your unapproachable brightness,
and much more when You Yourself, O Incomprehensible One,
have become through love the inmost center of my life,
Then I can bury myself entirely in You, O mysterious God,
and with myself all my questions.
Asking for Forgiveness
Almost every Catholic on the globe is aware of the sexual abuse scandal which hit the Church in the United States in the early part of the last decade, and which now has reared its ugly head in many nations of Western Europe. Understandably, this has caused great outrage and a firestorm of media attention all over the world.
In times like these, it is an interesting time to be in a program of ministry formation. Though we do not formally spend a great deal of time talking about the issues, it naturally comes up in casual conversation. How should we as Church respond to this crisis? Though we are not personally responsible for these actions, on one level we are all corporately responsible. After all, we are part of the Corpus Christi, that is, the Body of Christ, and when one member suffers, all suffer, and when one of our brothers fails, on some level, we have failed too. For are we not our brother's keeper? On one level, we cannot escape feeling a bit embarassed, perhaps even a bit guilty for what has been done by representatives of the Christian community to which we belong. We are all affected by these terrible actions.
From the conversations that I've had, it seems that the best way for the Church to respond in these days is to come clean, to admit its failings, to ask for forgiveness, and to to reach out the victims and their families, and to make restitution in any way possible for the harm which has been done. What is an inadequate response - and which is done by some within the Church - is to fight against the media (which, granted, might be somewhat warranted) and to defend the Church against the coverage of the scandal or to go so far as to make the claim that the Church is intentionally being attacked.
Vatican II reminded us repeatedly that the Church must be servant. Here, we can think of the example of Jesus bending down to wash the feet of the disciples at the Last Supper, or the well-known passage from Philippians 2 in which we read of Jesus' self-emptying love: "Christ Jesus, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God, something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness, and found human in appearance he humbled himself, becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." The Church has to take the road of humility, of repentance.
Here, I cannot help but think of the profound gesture of John Paul II when he apologized for the wrongs done by the Church during the past two thousand years at the start of the new millennium in 2000. Many in the Church criticized him for this action, saying that admitting the wrongdoings of the Church compromises its authority in the world. But instead - many others would argue - it improved our image and thus our influence in the world. I think that this action - perhaps more than any other action in recent times - has done more to advance the Church's cause and influence in the world than any other thing. I would hope that this would be the Church's posture in the coming weeks and months in the wake of this new attention to the scandal.
To close, I'd like to re-print a beautiful prayer which recently appeared in The Observer, the student newspaper serving the University of Notre Dame and St. Mary's College.
A Prayer for Healing
By Todd Velianski
In times like these, it is an interesting time to be in a program of ministry formation. Though we do not formally spend a great deal of time talking about the issues, it naturally comes up in casual conversation. How should we as Church respond to this crisis? Though we are not personally responsible for these actions, on one level we are all corporately responsible. After all, we are part of the Corpus Christi, that is, the Body of Christ, and when one member suffers, all suffer, and when one of our brothers fails, on some level, we have failed too. For are we not our brother's keeper? On one level, we cannot escape feeling a bit embarassed, perhaps even a bit guilty for what has been done by representatives of the Christian community to which we belong. We are all affected by these terrible actions.
From the conversations that I've had, it seems that the best way for the Church to respond in these days is to come clean, to admit its failings, to ask for forgiveness, and to to reach out the victims and their families, and to make restitution in any way possible for the harm which has been done. What is an inadequate response - and which is done by some within the Church - is to fight against the media (which, granted, might be somewhat warranted) and to defend the Church against the coverage of the scandal or to go so far as to make the claim that the Church is intentionally being attacked.
Vatican II reminded us repeatedly that the Church must be servant. Here, we can think of the example of Jesus bending down to wash the feet of the disciples at the Last Supper, or the well-known passage from Philippians 2 in which we read of Jesus' self-emptying love: "Christ Jesus, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God, something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness, and found human in appearance he humbled himself, becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." The Church has to take the road of humility, of repentance.
Here, I cannot help but think of the profound gesture of John Paul II when he apologized for the wrongs done by the Church during the past two thousand years at the start of the new millennium in 2000. Many in the Church criticized him for this action, saying that admitting the wrongdoings of the Church compromises its authority in the world. But instead - many others would argue - it improved our image and thus our influence in the world. I think that this action - perhaps more than any other action in recent times - has done more to advance the Church's cause and influence in the world than any other thing. I would hope that this would be the Church's posture in the coming weeks and months in the wake of this new attention to the scandal.
To close, I'd like to re-print a beautiful prayer which recently appeared in The Observer, the student newspaper serving the University of Notre Dame and St. Mary's College.
A Prayer for Healing
By Todd Velianski
Heavenly Father,
In every age you restore the innocence of creation:
In Winter you shower the dark earth with pure white snow,
In Spring you cloak the ground in new life,
In Summer you bath us in the warmth of Your Love,
And in Autumn you refresh us with the breeze of your Spirit and new beginnings.
Look with pity upon Your Church, sprung from the sacred springs of Baptism,
And restore unto Her the innocence of the virginal bride of Christ.
Send forth the cleansing rain of Your Healing Spirit upon those harmed by the actions of sinful priests, that they may have once again the joy of their inheritance as Your children.
Fill with courage our Holy Father as he perseveres amidst blind hatred and false accusations. Make him a worthy and persevering shepherd to the flock You have given him.
Have mercy even on those who deserve the least mercy — those wolves in sheep’s clothing who used their authority to harm Your children. Save them from the hellfire their actions merit, and restore the dignity of the office they abused. For no soul, however wretched, is beyond Your mercy.
Restore our innocence, O Father of Heaven, as we pray in the name of your Virgin-born Son, Christ the Lord. Amen.
Todd Velianski
freshman
Keough Hall
April 12
Saturday, April 10, 2010
On Taking Risks
So far, this year has been a year of risks.
* Took a risk and went on a first date.
* Took a risk and submitted a very informal paper for a rather formal professor.
* Took a risk and entered a real dating relationship.
* Took a risk and confronted a friend about something that was bothering me.
* Took a risk and brought some significant issues to the attention of the MDiv program director.
* Took a risk and finally told my Dad that my boyfriend is Arabic. (It seems to have gone well! *keeping my fingers crossed*!)
* Took a risk and decided to let my life be sane; that is, I gave up being anxious, stressed, preoccupied, and perfectionistic. If I'm tired, I go to bed, even if my homework is not done. I finally decided I'm not going to let grades dictate my life! Really, what this amounts to is that I took a risk and decided I have to stop hiding behind my work and start connecting.
I've discovered that God can only work the good stuff when we're willing to step out of our comfort zones. Consider the following:
from UnLearning Church
"Am I willing to leave the status quo and fearlessly step into God's promising but unknown future?"
"When you begin to sense in your heart that Jesus Christ is continually with you, then you can risk and step out to obey God in new and adventurous ways."
"Peter wasn't a failure because he looked down and began to sink. If anyone failed, it was the eleven who stayed in the boat, waiting to see if it could be done."
"You will never be who God created you to be if you hang out where it is safe and predictable."
"We don't grow where we're comfortable."
"God wants to create a passionate tension, a holy discomfort in our lives."
"Where do we grow? In places of tension, in places of conflict, and in places of discomfort -- it is in those places that we begin to ask stretching kinds of questions again. Otherwise we form little comfortable gods in our own image and we follow and believe a nice, safe, tame Jesus."
"Lord, this is kind of scary, but I want you to take me to the next level."
"Radical prayer is boldly risking forward."
"In Gethsemane, Jesus didn't pray, "God, please make this as painless as possible." His prayer was, "This is going to cost me everything." Am I willing to follow in His footsteps?"
"Life is about what we are willing to give up for the kingdom of God. You have to lose life to find it. The amount you're willing to give up for God determines the impact you'll have for God's purpose."
That being said, there are still a lot more risks to take. Here's a list that I haven't gotten the guts to do yet:
* Tell my Dad I'm going to Israel in June.
* Buy my plane ticket and actually go to Israel in June despite security threats involved.
* Being really really vulnerable with others.
* Taking the plunge of committing to another person for life. (Hopefully this one is in my future... but not for a little while yet!)
Scripture Passages of the Week:
Exodus 14 - whole chapter, but esp. v. 10-14
Daniel 3
* Took a risk and went on a first date.
* Took a risk and submitted a very informal paper for a rather formal professor.
* Took a risk and entered a real dating relationship.
* Took a risk and confronted a friend about something that was bothering me.
* Took a risk and brought some significant issues to the attention of the MDiv program director.
* Took a risk and finally told my Dad that my boyfriend is Arabic. (It seems to have gone well! *keeping my fingers crossed*!)
* Took a risk and decided to let my life be sane; that is, I gave up being anxious, stressed, preoccupied, and perfectionistic. If I'm tired, I go to bed, even if my homework is not done. I finally decided I'm not going to let grades dictate my life! Really, what this amounts to is that I took a risk and decided I have to stop hiding behind my work and start connecting.
I've discovered that God can only work the good stuff when we're willing to step out of our comfort zones. Consider the following:
from UnLearning Church
"Am I willing to leave the status quo and fearlessly step into God's promising but unknown future?"
"When you begin to sense in your heart that Jesus Christ is continually with you, then you can risk and step out to obey God in new and adventurous ways."
"Peter wasn't a failure because he looked down and began to sink. If anyone failed, it was the eleven who stayed in the boat, waiting to see if it could be done."
"You will never be who God created you to be if you hang out where it is safe and predictable."
"We don't grow where we're comfortable."
"God wants to create a passionate tension, a holy discomfort in our lives."
"Where do we grow? In places of tension, in places of conflict, and in places of discomfort -- it is in those places that we begin to ask stretching kinds of questions again. Otherwise we form little comfortable gods in our own image and we follow and believe a nice, safe, tame Jesus."
"Lord, this is kind of scary, but I want you to take me to the next level."
"Radical prayer is boldly risking forward."
"In Gethsemane, Jesus didn't pray, "God, please make this as painless as possible." His prayer was, "This is going to cost me everything." Am I willing to follow in His footsteps?"
"Life is about what we are willing to give up for the kingdom of God. You have to lose life to find it. The amount you're willing to give up for God determines the impact you'll have for God's purpose."
That being said, there are still a lot more risks to take. Here's a list that I haven't gotten the guts to do yet:
* Tell my Dad I'm going to Israel in June.
* Buy my plane ticket and actually go to Israel in June despite security threats involved.
* Being really really vulnerable with others.
* Taking the plunge of committing to another person for life. (Hopefully this one is in my future... but not for a little while yet!)
Scripture Passages of the Week:
Exodus 14 - whole chapter, but esp. v. 10-14
Daniel 3
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Holy Thursday Reflection - Part I
Ecclesia de Eucharistia - Pope John Paul II
11. “The Lord Jesus on the night he was betrayed” (1 Cor 11:23) instituted the Eucharistic Sacrifice of his body and his blood. The words of the Apostle Paul bring us back to the dramatic setting in which the Eucharist was born. The Eucharist is indelibly marked by the event of the Lord's passion and death, of which it is not only a reminder but the sacramental re-presentation. It is the sacrifice of the Cross perpetuated down the ages.9 This truth is well expressed by the words with which the assembly in the Latin rite responds to the priest's proclamation of the “Mystery of Faith”: “We announce your death, O Lord”.
The Church has received the Eucharist from Christ her Lord not as one gift – however precious – among so many others, but as the gift par excellence, for it is the gift of himself, of his person in his sacred humanity, as well as the gift of his saving work. Nor does it remain confined to the past, since “all that Christ is – all that he did and suffered for all men – participates in the divine eternity, and so transcends all times”.10
When the Church celebrates the Eucharist, the memorial of her Lord's death and resurrection, this central event of salvation becomes really present and “the work of our redemption is carried out”.11 This sacrifice is so decisive for the salvation of the human race that Jesus Christ offered it and returned to the Father only after he had left us a means of sharing in it as if we had been present there. Each member of the faithful can thus take part in it and inexhaustibly gain its fruits. This is the faith from which generations of Christians down the ages have lived. The Church's Magisterium has constantly reaffirmed this faith with joyful gratitude for its inestimable gift.12 I wish once more to recall this truth and to join you, my dear brothers and sisters, in adoration before this mystery: a great mystery, a mystery of mercy. What more could Jesus have done for us? Truly, in the Eucharist, he shows us a love which goes “to the end” (cf. Jn 13:1), a love which knows no measure.
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