Rachel's Perfect Exercise

I hate exercise for the sake of exercise. Those who know me well know that I've made a promise to myself not to force myself not to exercise just because it's good for you. If it's not fun, I'm not doing it.

It's not because I don't like to sweat, or don't like hard work. For example, I LOVE shoveling snow (even though my current aerobic ability is nil and therefore I can't do it for more than 30 min at a time), I love iceskating, I love sledding down - and then running back up - hills.

I like swimming. I like soccer, baseball, softball, kickball, dodgeball, bowling (does that count as exercise)? heck, even walking to class.

Anyway, I have found the perfect exercise for me:

The only bad part about this - is that now I need to buy myself one of these: 

Price: 199.99 on Amazon, plus the games. 

Graduation present to myself, perhaps? =)

Self knowledge

So I'm sorry that I have been terrible at blogging lately. I'll try to improve in the coming weeks and months. 

Lately I've been doing a lot of reflection and have been gleaning a great deal of self-knowledge from all of this. I've come to realize that I'm an anxious person. This is particularly true in relationships. Lately I've been struggling with terrible anxiety-- in the busy-ness of this time in the semester, I have not gotten to talk to my significant other hardly at all. While I know he's busy planning retreats, and organizing major events for all the local Catholic schools for the upcoming Catholic Schools week, and while he's working on a huge parish renewal effort, his lack of calling me, texting me, etc. is driving me insane.

I know that he loves me. I know that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with circumstances that will be over in a few weeks. That being said, it's hard to fight the demons of anxiety, loneliness, fear, hurt, and irritability that sometimes threaten to overwhelm me. It's hard to consistently resist the urge to call and leave one more voicemail, or text him one last time to see if I'll get a response. I don't want to push him away by being too needy, but sometimes I just need to hear his voice. Internally I can easily become resentful  - thinking to myself, "why doesn't he just take five seconds to shoot me back one quick response to show me he cares and reassure me that this lapse is temporary?" These kinds of thoughts only add fuel to the fire of anxiety that threatens to engulf my inner world.

It's times like these I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that "this too shall pass." I have to remind myself that although this man is not always the best at returning phone calls - that this doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I have to remind myself that these kinds of trials are opportunities for the purification of my love; it teaches me to steel my will and strengthen my resolve to persevere even through difficulties. 

It reminds me in many ways of the anxiety I feel when I sense that God is absent in my prayer life. Like the  Bride in the Song of Songs searching desperately for the One whom her heart loved all over the city, I can at times find myself frantically seeking after a tiny shred of consolation and reassurance from God that He is not absent. The mystics remind us that God never leaves us orphans but at times He withdraws our awareness of His presence in order to test and strengthen us. Julian of Norwich reminds us to trust and not to fear, saying, "all will be well." St. Teresa of Avila exhorts us: 

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things pass away:

God never changes.

Patience obtains all things.

He who has God

finds he lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.

So while I pass through this 'dark night' of sorts, I will remind myself that "All things pass away" - and also, despite its seeming absence, I will remind myself of his - and God's - love for me.

In closing, I'll share the following song which I've shared before - which I absolutely love. The part that especially speaks to me now- is this:

"I whisper, ask in your ears: 

who is it that calls to you tonight - listen

who sings loudly to you - to your window

who would give up his soul so you'd be happy

who will put his hand and build you your home

who will be like dust living at your feet

who will love you most of all your lovers

who will save you from all evil spirits

from the deep depths.

THE IDAN RAICHEL PROJECT - MI'MA'AMAKIM (OUT OF THE DEPTHS)

Lyrics Mime'amakim kar'ati elaich boi elai beshuvech yach'zor shuv ha'or be'einai lo gamur, lo ozev t'aamaga beyadaich sheyavo veya'ir lemish'ma kol tz'chokech. Mime'amakim kar'ati elaich boi elai mul yare'ach me'ir et darkech shuv elai nifrasu venamsu mul maga shel yadaich be'oznaich lochesh sho'el: Mi zeh kore lach halailah - hakshivi mi shar bakol elaich - el chalonech mi sam nafsho shetehi me'usheret mi yasim yad veyivneh et beitech. Mi yiten chayav, yasimam mitachtaich mi ka'afar leraglaich yichyeh mi yohavech od mikol ohavaich mi mikol ru'ach ra'ah yatzilech mime'amakim. Mime'amakim kar'ati elaich boi elai mul yare'ach me'ir et darkech shuv elai nifrasu venam'su mul maga shel yadaich be'oznaich lochesh sho'el: Mi zeh kore lach halailah ...

Translation From deep depths I called to you to come to me with your return the light in my eyes will come back it's not finished, I am not leaving the touch of your hands that it may come and light up/wake upon hearing the sound of your laugh. From deep depths I called to you to come to me the moonlight I will again light your way to me they're spread out and melted again the touch of your hands I whisper, ask in your ears: Who is it that calls to you tonight - listen who sings loudly to you - to your window who put his soul so you'd be happy who will put his hand and build you your home who will give his life, put it underneath you who will be like dust living at your feet who will love you of all your lovers who will save you from all evil spirits from the deep depths. From deep depths I called to you to come to me the moonlight I will again light your way to me they're spread out and melted again the touch of your hands I whisper, ask in your ears: Who is it that calls to you tonight

TED- Ideas worth sharing

Watch this video.

The Power of Vulnerability -

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I firmly resolve... with the help of Your Grace ...

So it's that time of year again! Happy New Year!

But first, a look back at last year and how I did:

2010 Resolutions:

* Continue to eat healthy (mostly vegetarian w/ some cheating once in a while!)
* Daily Mass 3x a week; 30 min. adoration 1x week.
* Go to two social events per week outside regular MDiv socializing.
* Improve my relationships with my parents and close friends by improving communication and being more open and vulnerable about what's on my mind / heart.
* Spend at least 1 hour per day in the library and less time playing Spider Solitaire on my Laptop - in other words, keep my 3.9 GPA.
* Do some fun physical activity 2x per week!
* Go on AT LEAST ONE DATE next year! (an improvement over 2009).
* Continue to grow in compassion for others.
* BOUNDARIES BOOTCAMP RESOLUTIONS!

How I did:

* I did well with eating well this year. I've continued to maintain a healthy weight level - which is actually lower than what I weighed even in high school! =)
* I made it to daily Mass 1x a week. Not that great.
* Did not go to two regular social events outside of regular MDiv socializing, but definitely made more of an effort to keep in touch with people and to setup coffee dates. I also went to a few events on my own!
* I definitely have worked on my relationship with my parents and have really gained some good insight about them this past year.
* I did not spend any time in the library. I am still addicted to computer games - PACMAN has taken over my life! My GPA remains very good.
* I have yet to be successful in incorporating physical activity into my life.... need to work on this!
* I went on lots of dates in 2010 - =) O Happiness!
* I feel like I've made leaps and bounds as far as compassion for others and myself goes - and I'm continuing to strengthen my boundaries!

2011 New Year's Resolutions:

* Continue to eat healthy
* Do some fun physical activity 2x per week in order to get into better physical shape to prepare myself for life after graduation.
* Improve my prayer life (set aside time for daily prayer, and try to get to daily Mass 2x a week!) - this also includes (more) regular reception of the Sacrament of Reconciliation...
* Learn to cook Middle Eastern Food
* Continue to work on learning Arabic.
* To survive my final semester of Graduate School without going insane or having a nervous breakdown!
* To work on growing in virtue and give up a particular habitual sin I'm struggling with.
* Put what is most important first: God, relationships, responsibilities, etc. and not stress about unnecessary things.
* To not be a bridezilla.
* To be true to myself.
* To continually challenge myself to greater openness with others.
* To squash criticism, pessimism, dissention, suspicion, etc. in my life and foster acceptance, patience, trust, and humility instead.