On Human and Spiritual Formation

So anyone who knows me well knows that a part-time job of mine is reading self-help books and thinking about pop psychology. (Perhaps it's one of the quirks that makes me me.) Really, the reason I read so many of these things is that, like my Martial Arts School Creed stated, "I'm on a quest to be my best!". I don't want to let life pass me by, but want to live it "to the full" (Jn. 10:10).

Also, being in a program of formation in preparation for a life of ministry to the Church, we're required to focus on both our human and spiritual formation, which means that I'm constantly having to do some introspection and to work to better myself. But instead of being an exercise in navel gazing out of a misdirected self-love, it's rather a conversion-process which has it's final aim in the good of others. It's a process in which we have to be honest about ourselves and open ourselves up to Transcendent Love in deeper ways so that ultimately we can be more perfect reflections of that Love in the world (mission).

Lately I've been confronted with the realization that I keep people at a distance; I have had only a few close friendships, and really haven't had any romantic relationships (read: significant others). Having been on a first date last weekend, I've been thinking about what it will look like for me to cultivate an intimate relationship with another person in general - and realized how much that scares me, although it's something that I desire deeply. What scares me most is that I have no idea what I'm doing! I've never done this before, and I don't exactly know how to go about it!

What this says to me is that this is an area of my heart that needs to do some growing, expanding. It's been comfortable to just keep to myself - but letting someone else in means I have to open up, that my heart has to expand to include another, has to grow in its capacity to form intimate relationships.

* It means I have to be able to let another person close to me;
* to be able to share on many levels - work, faith, experiences, feelings;
* to be able to share positive and negative aspects with others;
* to learn to relate comfortably with men;
* to become comfortable with my sexuality;
* to let myself love deeply and to allow others to love me deeply in return.

Lord, expand my heart!