There's nothing like a new relationship to motivate you to pray.
I can honestly say that I haven't prayed this much or this intently for a long time. It's not that I don't normally have a prayer life, but for some reason, I find my prayer has become much clearer, much more focused, much more intense since I've started dating.
Perhaps it's because I'm so much out of my comfort zone, I'm finding myself clinging to God, asking Him to calm my nerves and help me just be me. Or maybe it's because I'm scared and I need to learn trust. Mostly, it's because I'm just incredibly thankful right now; I feel like the tenth leper who just got cured and I can't help but run back to Jesus and tell him "THANKS!!!". On the other hand, maybe it's because I really like this person and I really want it to work out between us. Or - maybe I know that this whole thing is in God's hands and unless I surrender my desires, my hopes, my dreams to Him, I'm going to be grasping, and miss the opportunity to receive him as a gift from God.
The last point is something that struck me while I was reading TOB Explained by Christopher West. "The [person] who lives "the gift" recognizes [the other] as a gift to be received both from the hands of the Creator and through the freedom of [the other's] own self-determination as a personal subject. But the [person] who denies the gift does not wait to receive [the other] as a gift. Instead, [one] extorts [the other's] gift; [one] grasps at [the other] instead of receiving [the other]" (TOB Explained, p. 219).
Another point that stuck out to me was that this person does not belong to me. Although in another sense, one can say of one's beloved that there is a sense of belonging; however, "a man and woman can only speak of belonging to each other only by way of analogy." (TOB Explained, p. 205). Ultimately, each of us belongs only to God.
I think what all this means is that the only way we can understand the saying "one belongs to another (the lover to his or her beloved, and vice versa)," that is, to a person other than God, means to say that one has received their beloved as gift from God, and similarly have themselves been given to the other by God. I think one can ultimately say that this is true (most really and profoundly true) only when the two are married to each other. Thus, even as my affection grows, I have to remind myself that the reality in which I currently live is not one of belonging but of hope; of hoping, and patient waiting to see if it is God's will that one day I will receive him as a gift from God.
There is a certain humility required here; a certain acknowledgment that I do not know the plans God has for me, or for him. I do not know what God has in store. I cannot anticipate it, but must patiently wait for the plan to be revealed in the fullness of time. What I've noticed is that this view can sound in many ways similar to a pessimistic realism. But it is quite different in quality, the essential difference between the two views being the theological virtue of hope. Hope is looking forward to the fulfillment of a promise - which is greater even than this present reality. It is the fulfillment of a promise that is beyond our vision (to use a line from Romero's work which I referenced in an earlier post). In that sense, there is a true peace and joy in knowing that whatever happens, God is in control. And the God who holds me and my future in His hand is a God who wills both my good and my happiness.
What a liberating, consoling thought!
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