Becoming Who You Are...

So I’m happy to report that I am indeed not homeless; for the time being, I'm renting a room from another MDiv who's away doing a pastoral internship for two months. I've been enjoying 'squatting' in his room so to speak, and enjoying perusing the titles of the spiritual reading books he's got on his shelf. 

Among his books were several on Thomas Merton, someone who I've heard a lot about but of whom I have very little firsthand knowledge. One of the books I've recently picked up reading is titled "Becoming Who You Are: Insights on the True Self from Thomas Merton and Other Saints" by James Martin, S.J. 

The book begins with the following words from Merton: "For me to be a saint means to be myself... Therefore the problem of sanctity and salvation is in fact the problem of finding out who I am and discovering my true self." p. ix

Something that I've loved about being done with school and as of yet unemployed has been having ample time for spiritual reading and meditation. As I begin to work out the next steps of my life, I find myself drawn to reflect on who I am - or rather - who God has created me to be, in order to help guide this process and ensure that I choose the path before me which is most aligned with God's plan for my life. 

The book suggests that there is a true self and a false self- and that our task in life is to shed the masks of our false life and to strive to become who God intends us to be. This does not always involve a radical reorientation of our lives the way some experience it, although at times we may find ourselves in need of a more intense conversion. More often than not, becoming more fully who God has created us to be involves putting aside our own egos so that we can learn how to love more fully. The Christian life is a journey of having our hearts blown wide open by the love of God and expanded beyond the narrow limits we oftentimes  (even if only unconsciously) cling to because it’s comfortable. In dying to self we are transformed into the image of God’s Son in a uniquely beautiful way. On this subject, Pope Benedict XVI writes:

“The challenge of the cross demands that I give my ego into Jesus' hands, not so that he may destroy it but so that in him it may become free and expand...Thus a great deal of patience and humility belongs to this way, just as the Lord has patience with us: it is not a headlong leap into heroism that makes someone a saint but patiently and humbly walking with Jesus, step by step. Holiness does not consist in adventurous achievements of virtue, but in joining him in loving. Hence the real saints are also quite human, quite natural people in whom through Easter transformation and purification what is human appears afresh in its total originality and beauty.”

Reflecting on all of this, I have begun to ask myself – what does holiness look like for me? Or, put another way, what type of person does God want me to become? While I have had many models of holiness to imitate in my life, all of them are uniquely them. What holiness will and must look like in my life will be different – even if at times there are some overlaps with others. Holiness does not destroy the uniqueness of our personalities, but rather, enhances it. There isn’t one cookie-cutter format for holiness.

Looking back on my experience in the MDiv, I have discovered that I have changed a great deal. Spiritualities and theologies which used to be second nature to me can at times now feel alien. I feel a bit estranged from myself – or at least my past self- and at times this is unsettling. And yet, I find in other ways that my heart has been blown open in ways I never could have imagined, and in this I feel a great peace. I feel that my spirituality has become less about imitating a type of spirituality I once idolized, and more about being a more loving, compassionate, and forgiving version of myself. In this sense, I feel like I’ve begun to develop a spirituality which is more natural, more human, more truly myself.

Author Elizabeth Gilbert, (Eat, Pray, Love), for all the twists and turns of her own spiritual journey, arrives at the insightful conclusion that “God isn’t interested in watching you enact some performance of personality in order to comply with some crackpot notion you have about how a spiritual person looks or behaves. We all seem to get this idea that, in order to be sacred, we have to make some massive, dramatic change of character, that we have to renounce our individuality…” which is certainly not the case.

More to come…