On Human Nature

As I’ve mentioned before, a hobby (perhaps I should say “part time job”) of mine is reading self-help / relationship books. I love reading these things because usually they have a good deal of helpful information, but also because they challenge me to grow and to change how I approach things in life.

For example, one relationship book I read made me realize that I had been hiding behind my homework for so long – and that if I was serious about relationships I needed to start making time for them. Shortly thereafter, I began dating!

Another big learning moment for me came while reading another relationship book which talked about how in healthy relationships the ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5:1; anything less than that, then the relationship is in a danger zone. Furthermore, I’ve done a lot of reading about emotional intelligence and assertiveness and realized that I often vacillate between “grinning and bearing it” – not saying anything about things that drive me nuts (being passive) and aggressive states, where I lash out and confront a person in a biting or unhelpful manner which usually distances me and causes me to feel terrible in retrospect. I realize that this pattern is one that I learned in my family, and I’m trying to be intentional about being assertive without being an a$$, that is, being honest and upfront about things that bother me in a way that respects and is open to the other person’s perspective as well.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I wrote: “As I strive to evaluate the character of this other person, I cannot help but see myself under the same magnifying glass, and it is quite a humbling process!”

Being in relationship has helped me to see myself – my true character – more clearly. As I start to see my own weaknesses and the weaknesses of this other person, I need to remember these quotes which hang on my wall in my bedroom in Connecticut:

“Be patient with everyone, but above all with yourself. Do not be disturbed because of your imperfections, and always rise up bravely from a fall. Daily make a new beginning; there is no better means of progress in the spiritual life than to be continually beginning afresh, and never to think that we have done enough.” ~ St. Francis de Sales

“Don’t give into discouragement. If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people’s opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult in practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus.” Bl. Teresa of Calcutta

It’s easy to judge ourselves or judge others harshly… but do we realize how merciful our God is? Our God – who took on human flesh is not unaware of our human weakness. Yet, do we realize how infinitely ready He is to pick us up, dust us off, and make us new? Our God – who has washed us clean in the waters of Baptism, who has imbued us with His Divine Spirit, the very power of God, and who has nourished us with the Flesh and Blood of His Son and continues to feed us still – if He has done all of this, how will He not heal us and take us to even greater depths of purification, perfection, holiness?

If our God is so merciful to us, we ought to, then, be extraordinarily merciful to one another. And even -- to ourselves.

To close, here's a beautiful quote which I got from the E-Devotion Franciscan University puts out. Though it applies to spouses, I think the advice goes for friendships and relationships as well!
“If we wish to be more Christlike in our marriages, we must first and foremost develop a deeper attitude of love and acceptance for our spouse as he or she is, with all the imperfections. Instead of trying to change our beloved or becoming irritated with these faults, we must remain firmly committed to our husband or wife as persons who have been entrusted to us as a gift. Our fundamental attitude toward the beloved in the midst of weaknesses must not be one of agitation, defensiveness or annoyance, but one of unwavering acceptance in our hearts for the other, bearing patiently with all the faults. When we do this, we begin to love as God loves.”

Edward Sri
Men, Women and the Mystery of Love, St. Anthony Messenger Press

The Love Box

So those of you who know me well know that one of my hobbies is reading self-help books, which, are actually quite helpful! One of the tips I recently picked up from one of them is to have a little collection of notes and things from others that make you feel loved (Sounds cheesy, I know, but quintessential for my emotional well-being!). When I was home over break, I rummaged through my room (and even when I got back to campus, I dug through the boxes under my bed, my desk, etc.) and scrounged up a whole shoebox full of notes, letters, cards, and other miscellaneous things that others have sent to me or given me over the years that make me feel loved and appreciated. Reading through them - brought a huge smile to my face, and a warm glow to my heart!

What surprised me most - was how many of them I had kept over the years!!! Talk about being a packrat... I mean, I collected a shoe-box of these things! I guess (on a note of self-awareness), this suggests to me how important it is for me to keep these things around and to read them frequently to remind myself of how much the people closest to me really care. Here are some of the ones that made me smile the most:

"I just wanted to take a moment today to thank you for all that you've done for me as a friend and especially as a sister. Your gentle, constant love calls me to perfect myself and at the same time your lighthearted goofiness reminds me to stay joyful and childlike. Your determination makes me fight mediocrity and you teach me to be bold ... even if it means ending up with my foot in my mouth! =) .. And all the time you remind me not get too frustrated with myself. You are a strong, beautiful woman and I praise God for the gift of your friendship."

Card: "I was trying to make you the perfect valentine... then i realized, you already are the perfect valentine!"

Yearbook entry: "I'll never remember 10th grade biology because of you!"

"Hello fellow ringleader! Quit slouching in your chair and mouthing the word "waffle." You're too much fun to be around ... we're not good study buddies..."

"I just wanted to thank you a ton for teaching our confirmation class... I learned so much it really changed me! I also wanted to say you guys did an excellent job on the retreat - everyone loved it! Since then i've been trying to pray the rosary everyday. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate how much effort and time you put into us. Thank you!"

"I am so glad that God has blessed me by allowing you to be my sister! I am always inspired by your faithfulness, your maturity and your passion for your vocation as a catechist..."

"Rachel, it always seems like you're going a million miles a minute but you never forget to say something nice to people."

21st Birthday Card: For my Wonderful Daughter - I'm so proud to be your Dad. Ever since you came into the world, you've been a joy in my life --I've loved being your dad - loved helping you through changes and challenges and cheering you along the way to all your successes. From little girl to all-grown-up-woman, you've made me so proud to have you as my daughter. You're the star of so many of my sweetest memories... Dear Rachel: Congratulations on another milestone in your life. It's amazing how fast the time goes by- it only seems like yesterday that you were a brand new baby coming home from the hospital. Enjoy your day - but not too much! =)

"I'll probably remember your food more than I'll remember you, but I'd just like to wish you a happy Christmas."

"You have so much energy. I don't know how you do it. You're super cool."

"You have such a wholesome joy about you that is infectious. You never go for the cheap laugh but rather have a respectful sense of humor. You strive for openness and balance, which makes you a great listener. Your trust in God informs all that you do. You're not afraid to show your dedication to the Church, and you are a great witness for all."

What would you put in YOUR love box?